All the different ways people experience love
If there’s anything psychologists, philosophers, and free spirits can all agree upon, it’s that love isn’t just one thing—in fact, several theories and paradigms actually put it into 3 different categories. We’ll be taking a closer look at 3 of the most well-known theories out there, including Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, the 3 loves theory, and the different Greek words for “love.” Dive on in to take closer look at all the different ways people can love one another (and where your own relationships fall into the mix).
[Edit]Things You Should Know
- Intimacy, passion, and commitment are the 3 main aspects of love, according to Sternberg's triangular theory of love.
- The 3 Loves Theory affirms that people go through 3 powerful loves in their life, with the third one being a committed and long-lasting love.
- Eros, philia, and agape are often touted as the 3 Greek types of love, but there are actually 5 other types (8 total): storge, ludus, mania, pragma, and philautia.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Triangular Theory of Love
- This theory states that all relationships have at least 1 of 3 core qualities. In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg published his “triangular theory of love,” which states that all types of loving relationships (partners, loved ones, friends, etc.) can be defined by combination (or lack) of 3 specific traits: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Each of these traits represents a separate “point” of a triangle, with different types of relationships falling on different corners and edges of the shape.[1]
- Intimacy: A sense of emotional closeness, where one can find solace and support
- Passion: A physical and sexual connection to someone accompanied by romantic experiences
- Commitment: A resolve to stay with and care for someone over time, and to put in the work so a relationship lasts
- In Sternberg’s own words, this theory is designed to examine “the nature of love” as well as “loves in different kinds of relationships.”[2] Its enduring and wide-reaching message is still relevant and applicable today.
- There are 8 different types of love that fit in this paradigm. Picture an equilateral triangle, with the top point representing intimacy, the left point representing passion, and the right point signifying commitment. With this paradigm, each corner and edge represents a different type of love:[3]
- Friendship: A loving relationship that revolves around intimacy rather than passion and/or commitment, like a friend you chat with online sometimes.
- Companionate love: A strong relationship built on commitment and intimacy without any passion thrown into the mix, like a close/best friend.
- Romantic love: A relationship that has lots of intimacy and passion without any commitment. Friends with benefits as well as casual/new partners experience this sort of affection.
- Fatuous love: A relationship that moves with a powerful combination of commitment and passion but lacks a strong sense of intimacy, like people who get engaged after just a couple of dates.
- Infatuation: A relationship that’s filled with passion but has no sense of commitment or intimacy, like a student crushing on their classmate. With infatuation, feelings can change very quickly—you might feel madly in love with someone one moment and then feel negatively about them very quickly.[4]
- Empty love: A deeply committed relationship that doesn’t have any real passion or intimacy involved, like a married couple trying to avoid divorce.
- Consummate love: An amazing relationship that incorporates plenty of commitment, intimacy, and passion, like high-school sweethearts who are still going strong in college.
- Non-love: A relationship that lacks any type of intimacy, passion, or commitment, like what you’d feel for a stranger you drive by on the road. Non-love doesn’t exist on or around the triangle.
[Edit]Three Loves Theory
- This theory states that all people experience 3 loves in their lifetime. According to one version of this theory, we only experience 3 really groundbreaking romantic experiences, each at different chronological points in our lives. There’s the first, young love, the second, more tumultuous love, and the third, long-lasting love.[5] This theory explores how people learn and grow through their relationships, and invites you to take a more critical look at the people you’ve been intimate with (and may be intimate with in the future).
- An alternate version of this theory states how the brain experiences 3 types of love: lust, attraction, and attachment.[6]
- The first love: young love{endbold}Also known as “the love that looks right,” this love seems to check off every box on paper. Your partner gets along well with your family, your personalities are super compatible, and it sometimes feels like your love story is straight out of a movie. Still, there’s a nagging feeling in your gut that this person isn’t quite The One, even if they match up society’s standards of an ideal partner.[7]
- Example: Two people start dating in high school. One person feels like the relationship isn’t quite meeting all their needs, but they stick with it because it’s what they know and expect love to be.
- A combination of time and meeting new people is a great way to get over your first love.[8]
- The second love: tumultuous love{endbold}This love comes with its fair share of passion, but it also forces you to confront some ugly truths about what love can look like. As you continue to search for your perfect person, you end up with someone who hurts and frustrates you. The relationship may end pretty roughly, and you get a clear understanding that love has its fair share of highs and lows.[9]
- Example: Two people end up dating in college, but their relationship is pretty on-off and rife with conflict at times.
- The third love: long-lasting love{endbold}This love often comes out of nowhere, and it completely rewrites your expectations and assumptions about what a relationship can and should look like. With this third love, everything makes sense, and your compatibility is off the charts. For better or for worse, you know you’ve found someone who loves you for you.[10]
- Example: Two people meet at a party and experience a really deep connection. As they explore that connection, they find a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.
[Edit]Greek Variations of Love
- The Greek language defines “love” in 8 different ways. Unlike the English language, which only defines “love” with a single word, Greek has many words for love. This gives people a lot more freedom to define and explore their relationships and the ways they connect with others. Many people only know 3 or 4 of these words—but believe it or not, there are actually 8 (though some of them have a bit of overlap).[11]
- Eros (eh-rows): romantic love{endbold}This word comes from Eros, the Greek god of love featured in several famous myths.[12] True to its origins, eros is a type of love that’s deeply rooted in passion, desire, and attraction.[13]
- Philia (fill-ee-uh): friendly love{endbold}Philia is an umbrella term that encompasses different kinds of friendly love and appreciation, like love for a friend or a co-worker. This type of love often occurs between people who have similar values and goals, or pals who have compatible personality traits.[14]
- Agape (uh-gaw-pay): unconditional love{endbold}Agape is a biblical type of love often used to describe the unconditional way that the Judeo-Christian God loves His followers, and how the followers of these faiths love their God. This type of love knows no limits or conditions, and doesn’t require any reciprocation.[15]
- Storge (store-gay): familial love{endbold}Think of the pure, unadulterated love that a parent has for their child—this pure, powerful connection is best defined by the word storge. While similar to philia, storge offers a more unconditional bias; for instance, a parent would be more inclined to forgive their young child throwing a temper tantrum rather than their adult friend.[16]
- Ludus: flirtatious love{endbold}Ludus refers to the playful, light-hearted, and non-committed way people choose to interact with one another. While this type of love is pretty similar to eros, ludus is defined by it’s total lack of commitment.[17]
- Mania (main-ee-uh): fanatical love{endbold}Mania is an obsessive type of love that’s always amped up to the max. Someone going into a jealous rage over their ex, for example, could be experiencing this type of love.[18]
- Note: Mania is also an official medical condition that can cause extremely elevated energy levels and moods. It’s commonly associated with certain mental health conditions, like bipolar I disorder.[19]
- Pragma (prag-muh): love based in duty{endbold}You know how people from centuries past (and sometimes still today) get betrothed and stuck in arranged marriages? Pragma describes the type of love that forms afterward—a love that’s rooted in duty instead of attraction.[20]
- Philautia (fill-law-tee-uh): love for the self{endbold}Don’t forget about self-love! Philautia is all about the relationship that you have with yourself, which can lend itself to a healthy sense of self-esteem. On the other hand, though, extreme philautia can sometimes manifest in extreme pridefulness and hubris.[21]
[Edit]Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about love, check out our in-depth with [v161965_b01].
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-21992-001
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-21992-001
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/understanding-love-stages-and-languages/
- ↑ [v161965_b01]. 6 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.southuniversity.edu/news-and-blogs/2016/08/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700
- ↑ https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/longing-nostalgia/202011/first-love-was-your-best-love-the-one-didnt-last
- ↑ [v161213_b02]. 20 December 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-angry-therapist/202306/four-truths-when-you-fall-in-love-the-second-time
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/the-science-love-and-attachment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love
- ↑ https://iep.utm.edu/love/
- ↑ https://iep.utm.edu/love/
- ↑ https://www.worldhistory.org/article/483/ancient-greek-society/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love
- ↑ https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/interviews/list/2020/02/four-types-of-love-some-are-healthy-some-are-not
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/mania
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21603-mania#symptoms-and-causes
- ↑ https://www.psytoolkit.org/survey-library/love-styles-hendrick-sf.html
- ↑ https://www.psytoolkit.org/survey-library/love-styles-hendrick-sf.html
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