The point of the no contact rule is to give yourself time to get over the messy feelings associated with your ex. Basically, you cut them off entirely—block them on social media, block their phone number, and don’t contact them—and that alone time gives you the space to heal and move on. But how long will it be before you start feeling better? How much time needs to pass before you can feel comfortable talking to your ex? We’ve got you covered with everything you need to know about giving yourself the time you need to heal.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]For an amicable breakup: around 30 days.
- If this was mutual, give yourself about a month to move on. The goal here is to sort things out for yourself and take some time to heal, reflect, and move on. Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better.[1]
- While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren’t ready, it’s totally okay to extend your period of no contact.
- Let your ex know what you’re doing to smooth things over. If the breakup really was smooth and you know you might want to reconnect with your ex as friends in the future, feel free to tell them what you’re doing. You can just shoot them a text and explain why you’re going to go MIA for a while—it shouldn’t be a big deal.[2]
- You could say, “Hey, just a head’s up, I’m going to block you on social media for a while and I won’t answer the phone. You didn’t do anything wrong or anything, but I just need some space to focus on me if that’s okay.”
[Edit]For a long-term relationship: at least 60 days.
- If the two of you were together for at least 6 months, take 2 months off. The length of the relationship matters when it comes to the no contact rule. If the two of you were together for 6-12 months (or longer), give yourself at least 60 days before you think about reaching out. You’re probably going through a lot if you’ve broken up with someone you were with for a while, and it’s okay if it takes a little longer to process that.[3]
- In the meantime, do things you enjoy and distract yourself. Go hang out with friends, pursue your passions, and engage with your hobbies. Give yourself a day or two to mourn the loss and then try to return to a normal routine.[4] Work out, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep. Whatever you’re feeling during this time is totally valid, and rest assured that this will get easier.[5]
- You can tell the new contact rule is working if things start to improve over a few weeks. Some people think “no contact rule” means “take a week off from talking to them,” but give yourself plenty of runway here.
[Edit]If things got ugly at the end: roughly 90 days.
- Some relationships end with a bit of chaos, so don’t rush things. Give yourself roughly 3 months to recover before reaching out. If the relationship ended in a shouting match or the two of you were throwing insults back and forth, it can take extra time to let the anger and frustration go—and that’s totally okay! Once the anger subsides, you’ll have plenty of time to sort out your other feelings.[6]
- If the breakup was kind of dramatic and sudden, you may want to reach out after a week or two. While that’s always an option, it’s still probably best to take a few months to cool off.[7]
- If they reach out first to repair things and you want that as well but it hasn’t been at least 90 days, go ahead and tell them. Say something like, “Hey, I do want to reconnect and repair things, but I also kind of need time to cool off. Please give a few weeks to figure out how I feel before we reconnect.”
[Edit]For an especially toxic separation: indefinitely.
- If they were abusive or things were always bad, cut them off forever. No contact is especially important if you were in a bad situation. It gives you time to get some perspective and figure out just how rewarding life can be without your awful ex. You deserve better, so don’t look back until you’re absolutely clear that’s what you want.[8]
- Something should change dramatically before you reconnect. With a toxic ex, your best option is to move on in life. But if you really do want to reach out in the future (like…far future), look to see if something has dramatically changed before going through with it. If they were an alcoholic, they should be in treatment. If they were verbally abusive, they should be in anger management. Don’t return to someone who treated you wrong if they refuse to change.[10]
- Just to clarify, this may take years. Don’t plan on reaching out to a toxic ex any time soon—even if you really, really want to.
[Edit]To try getting back with your ex: around 1-2 weeks.
- If you want your ex back, try reaching out after a week or two. Some people use the “no contact” rule to try and get their ex back after they’ve been broken up with. It’s a good move—especially if it feels like maybe your ex was on the fence about breaking up. Wait 1-2 weeks for them to realize how empty their life is without you. Then, send them a text or call them to see how they’re doing.[11]
- If they hit you up in the meantime, let them know you need some time to figure out what you want. This kind of sends the signal that you’re still weighing your options—which should make them want you even more!
- Play it cool when you do reconnect after the no contact rule. Take it slow and be smooth. Emphasize that you’ve been hanging out with friends and having fun. You don’t want to make them despair, but your ex also shouldn’t feel like they hold all the cards. If this is going to work, it’s because your ex broke up and regrets the decision. But if you just come right out of the gates saying how empty you are without them, they may not feel like they need you the same way you need them.[12]
[Edit]If your feelings are still unsorted: as long as you need.
- While you typically want to wait 30-90 days, it totally depends on you. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to recovering from a tough breakup. If your 30 or 60 or whatever number of days passes and you don’t really feel ready to move on, then don’t. It’s okay to take more time, and it’s totally okay to not know how long that is.[13]
- One way to figure out if you’re “done” with the no contact rule is to ask yourself, “If I found out that he/she/they fell in love and started going out with someone new, would I be upset?” If the answer is that you’d feel nothing at all, you’re done![14]
[Edit]How do I know if no contact is working?
- It’s working if you’re less interested in your ex with each passing week. At first, no contact is probably going to be tough. You’ll want to reach out and fill that void left by your ex. If you don’t contact them and you get past that urge, it will be easier tomorrow. If it is easier, your no contact rule is working! Each week, you should find yourself thinking less and less about your ex. Eventually, you’ll get past the pain and come out stronger on the other side.[15]
- If you find yourself thinking more and more about your ex over the next few weeks or months, consider seeing a therapist. They can really help you work through what you’re feeling.
[Edit]Why do people go no contact?
- The goal is to focus on yourself and heal. It’s hard to “get back to normal” if you’re constantly interacting with the person who put you in this headspace in the first place. By spending time away from your ex, you’ll create an environment where you can heal, process your emotions, and reflect on the experience on your own. This is healthy, and it’s a key part of moving on.[16]
[Edit]Video
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201508/5-ways-move-ex-you-still-love
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-past-and-hurt
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-online/202003/want-contact-your-ex-here-are-5-reasons-why-you-shouldn-t
- ↑ [v162025_b01]. 10 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/head-games/201806/3-ways-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-heal-after-an-abusive-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-take-care-yourself-after-breakup
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-get-over-a-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202307/reconnecting-with-an-ex
- ↑ [v162025_b01]. 10 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/emotional-fitness/201109/10-tips-help-you-deal-your-ex
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart
- ↑ [v162025_b01]. 10 September 2021.
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